Seitan’s Balls 👹


  • 4 Veg Stock Cubes
  • 1.5ltr Water
  • 500ml Veg Oil

The Balls

  • 260g Vital Wheat Gluten
  • 50g Nutritional Yeast
  • 2tsp Garlic Salt
  • 2tsp Paprika
  • 2tsp Onion Powder
  • 1tsp Cayenne Pepper
  • 1tbsp Oregano
  • 3tbsp Soy Sauce
  • 340ml Veg Stock
  • 🧂Salt & Pepper

The Ball Rub

  • 100g Plain Flour
  • 1tbsp Paprika
  • 1tbsp Garlic Salt
  • 1tbsp Onion Salt
  • 1tbsp Chilli Powder
  • 🧂Salt & Pepper

The Ball Dip

  • 50g Plain Flour
  • 100ml Plant-based Milk


  1. Draw a large pentagram on the floor using the blood of a thousand soya kernels.
  2. Make the vegetable stock by mixing the stock cubes with boiling water. Ensure the cubes are entirely dissolved.
  3. In a large bowl mix all of the dry ball ingredients. Don’t over-do the salt here.
  4. Add the soy sauce and slowly add 340ml of the vegetable stock. This will form a moist dough which sticks together. If it doesn’t, slowly add more flour while mixing. Give this a good mix and knead the dough for a few minutes to stimulate the gluten development.
  5. In a large, deep frying pan heat the remainder of the veg stock to a simmer. If you don’t have a frying pan large-enough, you can use any other large pan.
  6. Grab a plate and lightly oil it. Form balls from the dough and place them on the plate. If you’re after a hefty feast these should be the size of golf balls, but if you’re after nuggets make them smaller. They will grow once they’ve simmered in the stock.
  7. Place them in the stock and simmer for 25 minutes. If the stock doesn’t cover them entirely, you’ll need to turn them half way through.
  8. In another large bowl mix the ball rub ingredients. I like to use a protein shaker to ensure the mix is really robust. In another, smaller bowl mix the ball dip ingredients.
  9. When the 25 mins of simmering are up, remove the balls from the stock and drain either on a wire rack (best) or tea-towel.
  10. Heat your deep fat fryer or a deep pan with the oil. If you have a thermometer or a temp-controlled fryer bring the oil to 170°.
  11. Place a number of balls at a time in the rub mix and ensure they’re well covered. I like to shake my balls to ensure they’re entirely covered.
  12. Once covered, one-by-one dip them in the wet mix, then place them back into the dry mix and shake to cover again. Repeat for all of the balls. You can do this before the oil is ready – I’d recommend this if you’re using a pan to avoid over-heating.
  13. Place the balls in the oil and fry until crispy. The larger your balls, the longer they’ll need to fry. If they’re golf-sized this will take about 10mins.
  14. Once cooked, place on a wire rack or tea-towel to remove excess oil.
  15. Enjoy with hot sauce, cold sauce, heck, any kind of sauce!


  • I’d like to apologise to my Mum and Dad whom, despite their best efforts, ended up with an immature man-child.
  • Play around with the spice mix based on your preference.
  • Looking for a lower-calorie version? You can bake these bad boys rather than deep-fry. I’d recommend pre-heating your oven to 180°C fan / 200°C for everything else and popping them in the middle of the oven for 30mins before checking them. Bake until nice and crispy – they should still bounce back if pressed.